Asherah
by Cherry Blossom
Summary: To forget is not to forgive. Neither is forgiving synonymous with forgetting. And both require justice to succeed.


* complete with extra spaces just for Java-chan! ^_~

Muhammed my friend it's time to tell the world 

we both know it was a girl back in Bethlehem 

and on that fateful day when she was crucified 

she wore Shiseido Red and we drank tea by her side 

sweet sweet used to be so sweet to me….

Tori Amos – _Muhammed my friend_

****

Asherah

__

Exhalation exaltation revolution revelation 

Father, a family, community in commune I sit with my head to the sky

My body to the sun, my eyes to the pulpit as we rose in crescendo

In excitement, in total harmony and I thought finally

Finally a place where people care

Father, a family, community in commune

An acceptance, a welcoming, a joyous reunion

As we sang to our Lord, our Master, our Invisible Benefactor

Bass-line thrumming like heartbeats and the organ echoing in our ears 

__

Devotion emotion immersion an ocean 

My lips open wipe with shouts of joy, of laughter, of assertion in concert

Everyone says "amen" at the exact same time

We know the cues by now

I am a part of something, together, not alone, understood

Father, a family, community in commune

Bible verses are traded, recited, excited I memorize and wait

For the smile and admiration from our leader, our pastor, our guide to salvation

My hallelujahs are bright and tearful

I am making a joyful noise unto the Lord

And in return I find security

Father, a family, community in commune

Pastor requires special lessons for me

I am his 'chosen' and I thrill at being called special

For once in my life I belong somewhere

__

Conclusion inclusion intrusion confusion

He is frowning, shouting, I've done something wrong

The verses are mixed in my mind

His questions make no sense to me

My dress is immodest, immoral, tempting, disgusting

Confess my sins

Everything I can think of I tell him

I want to be pure again

I want to be special

His displeasure is God's displeasure

Father, forgive me, I don't want to be evil

Pastor says I must do penance

The floor is cold under my knees

My skirt is pulled down and I am spanked like a child

The humiliation is terrible

But I can deal with it if it means God will forgive me

There, he's smiling again

And he hugs me

I'm special again, I belong

Father, a family, community in commune

He wipes away my tears with his hands and gives me a special verse to remember

He has promised not to tell anyone about my sinning

Confession is private

My absolution is assured as long as I always obey the rules 

__

Submission attrition subjection objection

I still sing hallelujahs to the sky

But my eyes remain glued to the pastor

Wary, waiting, mistakes can happen if you're not careful

The rules can change so fast

It's hard to tell what merits a punishment these days

But I always confess and do my penance like a good girl

And he always forgives me and wipes my tears away

I'm still special

It's the devil I must watch out for

He will try to lead me away but my church is strong

Father, a family, community in commune

We rise and tell everyone of our truth, our one way

Pastor has had a vision

The end of the world will come soon

And sinners will burn

Bible lesson tonight

Maybe I will do well and there will be no punishment or confession needed

My bruises have not faded from last week's penance

__

Revulsion expulsion exaction subtraction

Pastor says that I have been good and the Lord is pleased with me

He will give me a gift

I smile and bow my head

For it is a rule to be always humble

But my skirt is pulled down once again

Maybe I am to be punished for the smile

Maybe I was being prideful

Reprimand, a hand, not hard and stinging 

But still so very very wrong

My belly tightening like a drum

Pounding out rhythms 

Heart, my head, the hands

And I feel him

The devil moving inside

Serpent wrapped around my middle

Squeezing the breath from my body

Drawing my soul from the cage

And over my tears I hear his prayers like hissing

Like speaking in tongues because I can't understand

I don't understand why God wants this

Maybe I am the one speaking in tongues

He holds the cross around his neck in front of my eyes

I stare at it until it blurs into nothing

Nothing…like me

__

Destruction derision corruption decision

I don't like going to Bible lessons anymore

But if I don't show up at church I will lose all my friends

Father, a family, community in commune

I walk silently among them now

My mouth opens but no hallelujahs fly out

Pastor has promised not to tell anybody 

how I used the devil's power to seduce him

And I promised not to tell either

Confession is private

But I don't pray to God anymore

And scripture falls to ashes in my mouth

I know I am still possessed by Satan

Because I cannot forgive and I cannot forget

And I do not carry a joyful song in my heart for God

My soul is gone elsewhere and I am a living shade

Father, a family, community in commune

Why have you abandoned me this way?

Or is it me who has abandoned you?

__

Eternal internal intolerable shame 

I don't see the pastor for lessons after church

He has a new disciple now

I tried to tell her about the devil

Her eyes looked straight through my body to the other side

I know she doesn't see me anymore

I am a ghost

I never talk to God anymore

I still don't know what to say

And 'why' doesn't seem like enough so I guess I'll say nothing

Just like I have

For the last century or so

And maybe Jesus Christ was crucified

But it's my stigmata that I see

And everywhere people talk about his death

But I only ever see my own

-----

Before the angry flames start, I would just like to point out that this poem is in no way saying that all Christian parishes are like that nor is it saying that Islam is the correct religion, nor is it saying that God causes abuse. This piece is something I did for my kin who suffered greatly from spiritual abuse, that is, any form of abuse in the name of religion or by clergy members. I'm hoping it will provide an idea of the trauma something like this inflicts on people, spiritually and not just physically. In some ways it is the worst betrayal of faith, and many are never able to recover their religion afterwards, either because of the lack of trust in the church and church officials, or because of the constant triggering that would occur. One of my girls tells me that every time she hears the word 'God' she feels the pain all over again in body memories. I do not blame her for not being able to separate the religion from the act. 

There have been too many incidents covered up, dismissed, scoffed at, ignored, and hidden by church officials in _every_ major religion. This cannot happen anymore. We need to listen, stop covering up because we fear scandal. It is already a scandal, even if no one knows except God. 


End file.
